im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
