End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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