seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can text with my tongue
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
