I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
