so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i drank out of a bidet.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
