What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
