Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
two words: eviction party
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
