tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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