He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
