Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Vodka?
Forever.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
