I'm pants shitting drunk right now
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
