The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
