whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
