I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
