At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
