party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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