were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
