Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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