come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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