I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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