Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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