Where did you get a picture of my penis
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
