Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
