I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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