sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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