Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
