Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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