Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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