how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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