Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
