You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just invented taco cereal.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
