I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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