I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
