i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
