woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
