the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
