honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
