My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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