well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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