dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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