His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
