Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize