whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
