No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
