Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
