To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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