I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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