New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
