What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
