UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
