I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
