i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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