I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
