She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
How does it feel to date your dad?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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