six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
