I skipped work to stalk him.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
