i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
