Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize