I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
