Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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