My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
