Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
no you cant smoke seaweed
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
