The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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