He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
