Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just invented taco cereal.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
